Fail For You
by BreathtakinglyMundane
Summary: Mellie reflects on just how much of herself she's given away during her marriage to Fitz. Takes place after the Season 4 finale. One shot.


**AN: This was born out of the amazing Luke Sital-Singh song and my frustration with Mellie's more than fair share of bad stuff. This is pure angst.**

 **Mentions of Mellie's rape.**

 **All the usual disclaimers apply.**

* * *

Mellie felt the bile rising in her throat but she consciously forced it back down. She looked down at her nails briefly refusing to let the emotions wash over her at the moment. She turned with her head held high and walked out of the Residence.

*x*

It was her second night out of the White House and she'd gotten Teddy today. She simply couldn't wake him up in the middle of the night. He was currently using her as a bed. She didn't have the heart to put him in his own bed. She needed him just as much as he needed her; she needed his assuring warm solidness against her. She periodically ran her fingers through his hair and simply enjoyed her time with him.

It was unfortunate that her mind was not so easily and permanently tricked. She was soon lulled into a state where her pleasantly peaceful and empty mind drifted to other things; painful memories and thoughts.

*x*

This is getting hard to bear

Face it I'm not getting through

I don't even think you care

All the things I've won for you

*x*

 _Her stomach turned. She may appear calm and collected but her skin crawled beneath the warm layers. She was negotiating with her attacker, the man who had violated her, broken her trust; her_ father-in-law _. She could barely keep the connection to his beady eyes. She was both grateful when Fitz came down and horrified that he was there. She felt so exposed with him there; his presence felt like a prod directly on a fresh gaping wound. Big Jerry finally told Fitz what he needed to hear ad it seemed to work._

*x*

 _"Barry!" she exclaimed as she saw her mentor. He was a silver haired man with a sharp tongue. His short stature, rather than diminishing, actually fed his awesome, impressive and enigmatic persona. He was the best thing that had happened to Mellie in Richardson, Gregory & Kingsley. He was the perfect mix of father and boss. He pushed her and praised her. She called him her west coast daddy._

 _"Hey kiddo, or should I say soon to be Mrs California," he stage whispered and she chuckled._

 _"Well fingers crossed, though we both know I make my own luck," she said with a devious wink._

 _"That's my girl," he said with a bright smile but then more seriously added, "you will be sorely missed."_

 _"I'll miss all of you too, especially you Barry," she said. She blamed the sudden gush of emotion on her recently discovered pregnancy. Her send-off party was emotional and perfect but she knew she would do it all a hundred times over if it helped Fitz. She felt Barry brush the solitary tear that escaped her eye._

*x*

I have been your champion

So why do you walk away?

*x*

 _She'd just finished spinning her tale of their mythical unfortunate miscarriage and she felt a little ill to her stomach. The feeling was easily quelled with the knowledge that this would help Fitz become the President and he would be a great President. She ignored the feeling of unease that remained with her as she received condolences. When she saw the actual effect it had, she was almost shocked at the jolt of pride she felt. She could take it all, she could do anything, so long as it helped Fitz._

 _In that moment she felt as though a cold breath had blown across her heart slightly thickening the layer already coating it. She paid it no mind. She was focused on one thing._

*x*

I bought you the sky

And the oceans too

By the look in your eye

The only thing I couldn't do

Is fail for you

Don't ask me to fail for you

*x*

 _She was pregnant for Chrissake! Pregnant! Again! All because he couldn't keep his hands to himself. She was briefly haunted with the memory of the first time she was pregnant._ At least I know for sure this time _she'd thought to herself. He was maudlin; sulking and sighing probably because his mistress wouldn't talk to him. He hadn't talked to her for his entire trip. She felt in her bones that something wasn't right tonight even as they drew closer to the venue for the gala._

*x*

 _He was not waking up. He was not waking up and Sally was knocking incessantly at the doors of power; she was a dragon breathing treacherous fire down their necks. Sally was going to destroy it all. She couldn't panic. She had to protect her husband, protect her family. She'd signed his name perfectly. There was nothing she wouldn't do for him, for them. She couldn't help feeling a little hope after he woke up; maybe he sensed she was in trouble. She quickly squashed that thought and focused on helping him through his recovery._

*x*

My neck is so weighed down with gold

My glory always on display

Strangers in the street behold

But you just turn your head away

*x*

 _She pulled the dress on. The material seemed to irritate her skin, although no more than her stockings did. She tried to steel her hands and stop their trembling as she applied her makeup. She kept taking deep breaths._ You can do this _she repeated over and over to herself. She left her hair down in a simple style, she really couldn't manage anything more and she definitely could not handle hair and makeup just yet. When she put on her blacks heels she felt unstable for a brief moment as she stood up._ You can do this. _Yes she could do this; do this for all the mothers who had lost their children, but who was she kidding? She could do this for her family, for Fitz, she needed to show up for him. She could do this for herself and for Jerry._ You can do this.

*x*

I will be your victory

But still you walk away

*x*

 _She felt the rush of adrenaline in her veins as she snuck away from Andrew, got his phones and left him still asleep in his office. She'd known what she had to do since she shoved the tumbler in Fitz's chest. He needed Olivia back and she was going to help him. One of these days she would realise just how much of herself, of her being, of her soul she was giving away and maybe she would stop. One of these days… but maybe not today. After she told Fitz she stripped and washed Andrew off of her. She felt numb._

*x*

Now here she was, Senator of Virginia. Her heart had been smashed into a million glittering pieces at her feet; the light catching each brilliant piece as they seemed to mockingly wink back at her. She felt as though a hot iron rod had seared a hole right through her very soul. Shed given everything, poured all she had; her love, her time, her energy, her intelligence, her pain, her fear, her body, her blood, her sweat…

Now all she was left with were the tattered rags of her loyalty, the shredded pieces of her soul and the rejection of her love. She held Teddy a fraction more tightly to herself as hot tears slid down her cheeks.

She had done it all and succeeded over and over again for him; for Fitzgerald Grant III.

It simply wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She could _never_ be enough.

I brought you the sky

And the oceans too

By the look in your eye

The only thing I couldn't do

Fail for you

Fail for you

Fail for you

Fail for you

Fail for you

Fail for you

Fail for you

Fail for you


End file.
